What the hell is Gastroenteritis?

To telephone up work and ask for the day off due to illness, it makes it far easier with a medical dictionary to your aid. Just flick through, picking relatively exotic-sounding illnesses with pretty wimpy symptoms. This one wasn't that wimpy(title), since my mother said I had contracted it through some sort of food poisoning(either gammon or a burger, I'm hoping it was the burger), so I wasn't lying. But it makes for great excuses. A crappy, throaty voice made by lying upside down helps. Hey, it's YOUR day off. Although I would, regardless of saying that it's greedy, like to have £1,000 in my bank account for once. I'm only £40 away...f'zah!

Take the pain

Bleugh. Bleugh. Bleeeugughtjklsdfn;ammkl. I'm so bloody sick. Anything I eat will be thrown back up within half an hour(even water, which obviously doesn't feel right to 'hurl'). There's no way I'm going to work tomorrow, even if I did want my last week to have six days of pay. And now I have something to replace the lost fluids: a drink consisting of water(most obviously), salt and sugar. Absolutely foul. I also bought the new QOTSA album and it is one hell of an album. Get hold of 'No One Knows', for it is the catchiest thing there is. Eat.

Banker

Man, bank holidays are dullin'. I hate arguing with stupid people. "Of course it's not for you, you're too bloody big. Go on one of the other 40-odd rides, moron." I found it weird that at the end of a dream of mine, I heard "The park will close at 10:05PM", to which I screamed "FUUUUUUCCCKKK!!" at the end. Then, at 1700 hours in real life, I hear that "The park will close at 10:00PM tonight". My reaction? "Oh, bollocks to that, I think I'll blag an early finish". Thank hell it worked. It would also be fair to mention that I'm not aware of many others getting time off like I did. Ah well. Tough.

Kelthinki from Helsinki? Get out.

Quite possibly the greatest review of Star Wars can be found at this heinously obvious piece o' text. Makes sense to me! And so today at work, I let someone else take the pleasure in controlling sound on a ride I haven't still done yet. So much fun playing WWF: Forcable Entry to the kids. "And now, children...Stone Cold Steve Austin's Theme!"

Onkle Stonkle

What an uninspiring day. It was just spent staring, thinking about absolutely nothing, except an excellent little number which is completely un-PC by Mr Bungle, entitled 'The Girls of Porn'. When going down a dark street with a complete lack of lights on my bicycle, cycling without using my hands, closing my head and head-banging, I'm sure a call from the police would be due. But then I would want the photographs for my personal ownage. Yup. I think I need to invest in a lot of things soon. Curses to lack of University planning.

Dribble, dribble, guh.

Oooh. My head hurts like hell. So much, a day off was necessary. Which I used to go to town, hoping no-one from work saw me(aside from Ian Wright, since it was his day off). I did get me one groovy CD player, which, if I had a car(I will hopefully get one, along with lessons, in the near future), could be hooked up to be played. Other than that, I will actually turn up at work today regardless of my ill health(so my boss may have sympathy for me and send me home). Knacker'd.

'Freeeeeeeeeeeeeek!' by George Michael wasn't bad. In modern pop

It's not politically correct, it's offensive and it's wrong. But I just cannot help it. There are freaks who go to the fairground. I'm not talking about those people with birth defects that cannot be helped, I'm talking about people's problems that they would think are acceptable. Extremely fat people(I don't care about genetics, LOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!), people with arms so hairy you can clearly see the bald patches in the arms, people who have bags under their eyes SO heavy that smoking is what they do best(and probably one of the only things they can do). Get out. They plague the place and make foreigners think we're 'a bunch of horribles'(sorry about the Japrish, but I'm always waiting for some cute Japanese to come by). My efforts of niceness could be in vain!

W-w-w-w-w-wipeout!

Since I'll probably have the inevitable money problems in university, I need to think of things to do. For money. I was thinking of becoming a small-time wrestler, one who tours Britain with other unknowns, hopefully gaining great respect in 'The Underground'. Nah...or will it work? I don't know. I could try and join a rock band, but merely as a vocalist. After all, guy from College called Tom Ghannad managed to recently get a deal worth £4,000(!). It could work. I could buy a digital camera, and make a good film that's cheaper than Clerks. I could get a job. But that requires far too much effort without using a brain. Nah.

Quickie

Before work: I got 1 C, 2 Ds and an E. Hey, I got into university AND I have an A-level in English Language, so it's turned out alright. I also failed to notice, although I was sure it was someone I knew of yesterday, as I served the lead singer from Space. Damn. Only Joe noticed, and when I told Clare Hughes who it was, she was very disappointed for not asking him either. Suffice to say, he was a pleasant bloke. Now, if only I could remember his name...

The moon landing was actually fake

After seeing a programme on Channel 5 the other day, just about everybody who watched it is convinced that there was no moon landing. Although most people already didn't believe it already, it now makes completely clear sense to why it was fake. After all, it is nigh-on impossible to actually land on the moon. However, this brings up the age-old American thing - if you disagree with something like this, you're disagreeing with America! And if you disagree with America, you're a terrorist! Of course. It's amazing how this is still around. In other ideas, I should get me a 'little black book', which would surely at the very least scare people when I merely hone it. And for someone who forgets things all the time, 'twould be a great help.

Knees are a-knockin'

Oh well. The big day. Results day. I now know that it should not be worried about, since I will probably get one 'C' at least, which'll probably be enough to get into John Moores, but if I change my outlook and decide that I want to go somewhere else to do something else, I know that another year doing A-levels would be the only option. At least GCSEs are completely irrelevant, unless you're deemed to be a stupid.

Phoney doesn't rhyme with money

A pound. That is how much I have found from all my rides I have done. Pretty pitiful? Probably, since the guys on go-karts find stuff all the time. Twats. I've also thought about my playlist for the Black Hole. Here's some idea of tunes:
-Stuff of 'The Matrix' Soundtrack
-Stuff of 'WWF: Forcable Entry' album
-Beastie Boys - Hello Nasty
-Lots of Nine Inch Nails
-System of a Down - Toxicity
-Lots of Weezer
-Pearl Jam Ham Spam a lot
-Aphex Twin
-Foo Fighters
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
-The Presidents of the United States of America
-Possibly a games tape of Parappa the Rapper
-More things to scare the children!

#I'm-a kill you, muthafucka#

Rah-rah-rah, to say the least. For the first time, and quite possibly the only time, I will be doing the ride known as 'The Black Hole' on Saturday at the fairground. It was only yesterday that anybody(Chris Bannister, to be precise) was able to 'override' the crappy sounds of the 80s that are played in there. Using clever know-how, I will be able to play my own music on the ride. So the next time some stupid goddamn scally says 'Eh mate!' about 1200 times, I will be able to silence them with music I like, rather than music that no-one likes. "Hey kids! Does anybody like Rob Zombie? Or Aphex Twin?" And if the main manager type-guy complains, I'll just explain how 'a comfortable work environment is a happy one' and thus explain that nobody actually likes the 'music' played there. Now, who the hell likes Phil Collins?!?

Tony Hawk(s)

Great site linked from the forums at Not BBC website: Tony Hawks - basically, people have been getting confused between the author Tony Hawks and the skateboarder Tony Hawk. Hilarious e-mails included this one:

Hey Tony Hawk!

You are my hero. Do you really do tricks off of moving taxis in the street like you can in your games? I am going to try that right now.

I will let you know how it goes. Is a 900 very hard? I am going to try that right now too off the top of my house. Wish me luck!

Bart

P.S do you like my cool font tricks?


Dear Bart,

First of all, may I say how much I enjoy your show. You are my favourite character after Homer and Mr Burns.

In answer to your questions:

Q. Do you really do tricks off of moving taxis in the street like you can in your games?
A. Not unless I'm very pissed.

Q. Is a 900 very hard?
A. Certainly harder than a 700 or an 800. You can make them softer by soaking them overnight in vinegar.

Q. Do you like my cool font tricks?
A. Fortunately I have never seen your cool font tricks. Don't let your vicar see them either or he may chuck you out of the choir. Trust me. If I turned up with you at school, your friends would be most disappointed. Honest.

Tony Hawks.

Absolut genius.

Wrongulon versus Rightulon

Not content with my current 'tired' status, methinks a visit to the doctor's should be appropriate. So yesterday, my day was spent lazing, a day in which I watched, for the first time, the film of 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'. What a great film! I gotta say, although 'twas not as dark as I had originally anticipated from my last Summer of reading the book(accompanied by a Tool soundtrack and a daily use of the now-discarded wrestling mats, what a great way to waste the days), but what a magical flick. Other activities of the day included beating all opponents on Pro Evolution Soccer, finding disc 1 of The Smashing Pumpkins Greatest Hits album and watching The Young Ones. Seriously bored, too.

Not using internet speak like a religious thing. I think

Well, there's a Summer of nothing. No new skills, no new talents, just more money. Is that really what I wanted? Well, it's not like nobody else will answer that one. I just feel that I am falling behind a little with everybody else learning something. Sure, there are the many, many people who are learning guitar, so obviously it's not cool to learn guitar, and the same goes with the popular martial arts. It does make me feel a little empty, but it makes me feel more competitive. And a competitive attitude is not a good one, of course. Oh sod it; I think I'll have some ice-cream.

Flying Person couldn't have worked it out. Idiot

Well, it has to be said: American Football is rubbish. It's like Rubgy, but far slower, more padding, less action time, less brutal, more exploitative. Think about it: the people who are American footballers are branded as heroes, but they are padded like anything. Then there's the cheerleaders. As if people weren't getting more bored! These girls are merely being degraded. Yeah, sounds like feminism, but it puts them lower than the actual people playing the crappy sport. Sort of like dancers for pop artistes, who, regardless of being much better than the artistes themselves, are still put lower than the likes of Geri Halliwell. Uurgh. I really cannot believe it's hailed as one of the best sports over there. Compared to rugby, a sport which I'm not a fan of, it's a joke.

Old Man's Brown

Home early because of the broken ride. What a good guy I am. Of course, I went completely against advice from 'The Upper Powers' and shouted "It's broken again!". Pity no-one could hear it. Anyway, I got off home again early. Tomorrow, my ride is able to be accompanied by some reading - probably random magazines and Appleseed books. Marvellous. Unless I could break that ride, of course. I'm a king, or so I tell myself. I should also try and prevent myself from singing out aloud the good/average songs that come on, like 'Living on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi, but it's hilarious.

'The Man' has a name

I find it pretty amazing how easy 'tis to think of a title for a topic, but then an actual topic can usually escape you. Spouting any old random phrase, regardless of being invented by the individual or not, is easy. I don't know why, as I'm able to say things like such all day, like 'Grey Squirrels take on the Red 'uns', or 'Old Man's Brown' et cetera. The other amazement is how simple it seems(only seems, not is) for the oh-so many people of magazines like 'G2 (courtsey of The Guardian) and The Idler to write their articles. Articles about everything you already noticed but immediately forgot because you failed to have some sort of notekeeping-thing with you. But if we did that, we would have a hell of a lot of articles written. Who would trawl through them?

Grated cheese

Thankfully, some adverts are picking up in hilarity, or merely how good they are. Some I've noticed recently:
-The Volvic one, where the guy throws the rocks at the animated dinosaurs and runs. Then he does it again. 'Volcanicity'. Fantastic.
-The Clarks Bootleg advert, with Captain Cobblers. 'If only I had a watch...'
-An advert for Impulse, which I saw in the cinema, where a guy is in a bad situation - each time the woman cannot help because her arms cannot be freed. Very cool.
-The Carling ad with the guy cleaning everything with his tongue.

'Mr Bungle' isn't actually his name, it's Michael

Well, that's two different roles during the Summer. I spend most of my days in the fairground, getting heaps of money, with little time to use it; Ray spends his days at the gym and having yoga lessons. I don't honestly know what I would prefer, but I haven't been in his boots yet(as he hasn't been in mine own). Of all the time I do usually have that is spent out of work, I usually venture to Liverpool, usually to buy little or nothing. Like a Mr Bungle CD, or the fourth Appleseed book. Finally.

Scarier than Slipknot

Hey! Hey! You dropped that on my foot.

I'm drained. I don't know what it is, but I now don't suspect diabetes. I hope that is true. However, what I do believe is that there is still sedative present in my body. Waking up at 0700 hours everyday may not help, but it's difficult to sleep after that since light isn't kept out of the bedroom. Now I know how Spiderman felt when he found out the changes to his body hadn't finished(that didn't sound nerdy; for 'twas COOL).

Getting There

The usual moans from I were not to be found at the fairground today, as they got some sense into their heads to play popular music from the mid 1990s, so today, I heard such cools as Cypress Hill's Insane in Membrane, Smashmouth's Walking on the Sun (you know, the song off the Ford Fiesta advert), and for some reason I was singing along to The Spice Girls second ever single that was released. They were so more innocent then. I also realised that I cannot help but 'bob my head' to music on my headphones. The songs? Both Nine Inch Nails, Last (very good track) and the remix of Happiness in Slavery, which is very haunting when cycling down lonely roads.

Revere my feet, rather

After the debacle that were Merrell trainers, wasting me bloody £60(Schuh shall be hearing me, I assure), I decided to get some other trainers today. Not daring enough to spend £135 on the kings of boots, as featured in a previous article, I bought some nice, brown, old-skool Converse trainers, for a decent £45. So that's £105 on trainers then. I should venture elsewhere; a guy at Palace told me how he was getting in some nice brown pants. Brown is in, man. Well I like it.

Drown my feet

I don't care what they tell me; I know 'it's only water', but if you spend a day standing in rain, even with waterproofs, something bad will happen. Yes, my feet weren't waterproofed, so they got hideously wet today at work. Curses. It was good to be given waterproof pants as well as a hood for my coat(which I mistook for a 'hug' at first. Aww), but my trainers were killed. Next time I splash £60 on trainers, they won't be used for working in. What a mistake. Highlight of the day; whilst talking with others whose rides weren't actually being covered by children, some stupid scally children walked past. "Go on; fuck off home, y'stupid scalls." Joe said. We laughed out hysterically. We weren't bothered since they couldn't see our name tags.

Go mental with money

For the first time I have a plentiful of cash in my account. £600, t'be precise. I may as well write some sort of list of things I could buy:
When I spotted this bitch of boot, I knew I must get them. Ignoring the cost at the moment, being £135, I also realise that I must get clothes to compliment the devils. Of course, I don't want to be branded some sort of 'Matrixman' if I bought a mack to go with them, so a new image is to be destined. Costly.

It's been out for a while, but I'm very interested. The obvious choice of game first would be Super Monkey Ball, but after playing Super Mario Sunshine, I was happy. This is a damn fine machine, and available second-hand at around £100, that is an offer not to be lightly passed. Easily considerable.

I'm not exactly a fan of mobile phones. At all. But, for the interests of safety, or something, I must purchase some mobile 'phone. What better than to get the most advanced one with all the pretty colours and buttons and MP3 and whatever the hell comes with mobile phones nowadays. I don't know how much this one would cost, but it's probably more than my previously mentioned items' prices combined. But hey, 'to be the coolest person there is', it surely must be worth it.

Religionality

I had to say it. "Does anybody else think are too many Muslims around?" I said at the end of another day. Ian said, "No". I was a little baffled by that remark, since at least five percent of people who attend the fairground are of that 'minority'(should it still be, I'm not sure). He followed with "Since people are starting to ignore religion now, everybody will start thinking like they should." I replied jokingly with "Hey, I'm Catholic, and because of teachings given to me, I'm sure I'm above many others. Well, our religion's got the Pope in it, for a start!". But then I thought 'religion will never die out', since religions may become unpopular, but unpopular is cool, so some sort of circle will occur.